As the world continues down the path of chaotic politics, we can always count on Ireland to cheer us up and restore our faith in humanity.
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Silence, they say, is golden. And Commission President and Her Royal Highness Empress of Europe Ursula von der Leyen’s communications team seems to agree.
The fact that VDL ran the European Union from a hospital bed after being diagnosed with pneumonia for about a week earlier this month shouldn’t shock anyone in the slightest, according to her entourage. I mean, it’s hardly worth mentioning (or acknowledging in the face of persistent questioning).
And while they’re at it, it’s downright rude to ask about her condition, or about how she’s centralized power at the Commission, or what she has planned for her second mandate in general. Trust the process, they say, let go of your inner child’s fears and choose to believe. Or maybe that was the life coach I watched on YouTube. It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference.
There’s one appointment von der Leyen did not need to cancel because of her health: U.S. President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. That’s because she was never invited — unlike Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni who is desperately trying to live up to the expectations of being the EU’s chief Trump whisperer. Or at least ring-kisser.
As the world continues down the path of chase, at least there’s one country we can always count on to cheer us up: Ireland.
The better half of the British Isles has a new tourist attraction: Dublin’s Shrine of the Sacred Cherry Tomatoes of Drumcondra, or Cherry Tomato Bridge for short. (Note to my editors: I know you’re wondering why I’m writing about this. I could argue it reflects an important truth about the role of social media in the media-political ecosystem but, seriously, pleeeeeeaaaase let us have this one fun thing before we go back to doomscrolling.)
If you’re wondering what it is, just read the name. It’s a bridge, with tomatoes. It was probably built by people, but I have a theory involving tomato fairies I won’t go into today.
Whatever its true origins (tomato fairies), it’s a wonderful thing. Some tomatoes have faces, some googly eyes, others have pictures or little statues holding them. This is humanity, or tomatity, at its best.
So, to honor the shrine, here’s our own Ode to the Tomato:
Oh sacred nectar of the southern European gods
May your skin be red and your shape round
You that distract us from the world’s frauds
Let all pasta in your ambrosia sauce be drowned.
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