The Old Continent is famous for a more sophisticated approach to settling disagreements.
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Were you glued to your screens on Sunday night during the Super Bowl LIX halftime show, waiting to witness the climax and closing chapter of the Kendrick Lamar-Drake saga?
Did you also find Kendrick’s jeans absolutely distracting during the performance and still cannot decide if you loved them or hated them as a fashion choice?
And most importantly, are you happy Kendrick won (you should never, under any circumstance, for no reason whatsoever, feel any other way about this or say anything that can annoy him in the slightest) but sad it is game over now?
For all those who cannot get enough of beefs and drama, Declassified is here to help.
OK, we cannot afford Samuel L. Jackson playing Uncle Sam and narrating our story, nor can we have Serena Williams crip dancing on top of POLITICO Towers to have a not-so-subtle dig at someone. We will never reach that level of pettiness (nor wealth), but we salute you, Kendrick. Your cheeky grin staring down at the camera halfway through the show will live rent-free in millions of minds forever.
What Europe has to offer in high-level public spats is something different. The Old Continent is famous for a more sophisticated — if not highbrow — approach to settling disagreements.
It’s only natural then for Xavier Niel — one of the EU’s richest entrepreneurs — to make his feelings about a fellow tech mogul known and call Elon Musk a connard on French national TV. (If you are not familiar with the term, Declassified highly recommends searching it on Google, as you’ll find a whole range of English words to translate it, from “dick” to “asshole” and even “motherfucker.” Being a journalist has never been more fun.)
And of course, a beef would not be worthy of the name if it only went one way: Elon Musk responded in kind, reminding the world on X that “this guy was sent to prison for being a literal pimp.” Stay classy, Elon.
The accuracy of the accusation — as we have learned with Kendrick and Drake — is absolutely irrelevant. (Niel’s troubles with the law were, you guessed it, much more complicated than that.)
What matters is the entertainment value: How petty will this get? So far, it’s got potential. But is either man ready to go the extra mile and manifest their distaste for the other in a live performance in front of millions of viewers?
A humor column can dream.
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